


The Benefits of a Broken Ankle

by OhNoMyBreadsticks



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Flirting, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Memes, Mentioned Cahir/Eskel/Lambert, Mentioned polyamory, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25731856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNoMyBreadsticks/pseuds/OhNoMyBreadsticks
Summary: Being stuck on the sofa with a busted ankle is bad enough. Being harassed online by a cocky paparazzi reporter is worse. But the worst thing about this whole situation?Lambert might actually be falling for him a little bit.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53
Collections: Quiet Life Bingo Fills





	The Benefits of a Broken Ankle

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty here we go - my first texting fic! I've always thought these seemed so cool, so when I got the chance to write one I jumped at it! 
> 
> For background context, this fic takes place in an AU that the lovely [Socks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/connorssock/pseuds/jaskiersvalley) and I have been RPing in. Background info you might need to know:
> 
> -Lambert (TreesRCool) is currently in a polyamorous relationship with Cahir and Eskel (Cahir having recently joined the couple as their third)  
> -Lambert, Eskel, and Geralt work as forest rangers in a local nature preserve, while Cahir is the bodyguard of popstar Jaskier  
> -Aiden (OnLittleCatFeet) is a paparazzi reporter  
> -This story is set right after a fire was set in the nature preserve, in which Eskel, Lambert, and Geralt were injured  
> -During the ensuing media storm whipped up by Jaskier in an attempt to get public support for restoring the park, the paparazzi discovered Eskel and Lambert's home address  
> -Lambert is currently hiding alone in Cahir's apartment while he's at work, since Eskel is still in the hospital recovering from his injuries

**Unread Messages (20)**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Hey, I know you’re probably swamped with this shit right now, but why not pile a little more on, you know? Any chance I can nab an exclusive quote on how you’re doing post fire?

**Unread Messages (21)**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Saw you driving away from the house, you looked like you’d seen a ghost. Care to share any last words? Help a guy out, I need something for today’s tweet.

**TreesRCool:** Here are a few choice words for you, you tactless fuck: 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻👆🏻

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Aw how touching. Can I quote you on that? “Local woodsman saves animals from fire, verbally assaults harmless reporter” will look so much better with the emojis as a quote afterwards.

**TreesRCool:** Harmless?? The fuck you are!! You people are staking out my house! I can’t go home because of you!

**OnLittleCatFeet:** What, scared of a little attention? I thought your little music friend wanted the press involved in this.

**TreesRCool:** **[message deleted]**

**TreesRCool:** **[message deleted]**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** You do know I’m screenshotting these as you send them, right?

**TreesRCool:** You really are a bastard, huh.

**Unread Messages (2)**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Seriously though, how are you holding up?

**TreesRCool:** You really aren’t gonna give up?? Take a hint and take a hike, you fuck.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** You haven’t blocked me yet. Or don’t know how, alternatively.

**TreesRCool:** ...

**TreesRCool:** I am not THAT tech illiterate just because I work in forestry. What are you, classist?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** What are  **you** , illiterate? That’s not what classist means.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Answer my question. How are you?

**TreesRCool:** Why do you even care?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** That’s the third question response to my question you’ve given me. Your keyboard stuck, or do you need my help finding the period key?

**TreesRCool:**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I’m literally not going to stop asking. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

**TreesRCool:** UGH fine will you fuck off if I do? Because I’m fucking miserable as it is and you are NOT helping.

**TreesRCool:** And before you can ask any more nosy ass followup questions, yes, I’m miserable because I was recently in a fucking fire and my ankle looks like a shattered teacup held together with duct tape.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Yikes dude. Sounds like a bitch and a half. I mean, not as bad as the time I fell off a building into a river and broke my whole arm but still. My sympathies in this trying time.

**TreesRCool:** Wow, real fucking mature.

**Unread Messages (0)**

**TreesRCool:** Okay so are you gonna tell me that story or are you gonna blueball me after I saved your career?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Pffff. Oh shit, sorry, didn’t realize I had some random fire survivor to thank for my career. Of course, my liege, shall I do a small jig as well for your entertainment?

**TreesRCool:** Says the man who has been harassing me all day for information. Your turn, bitch

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Fine, but only because I’m assuming you’re trapped and can’t reach the remote to turn on the tv. Wouldn’t want someone suing me for neglect that led to a death from boredom.

**TreesRCool:** ...I could reach the remote if I wanted to.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Sure. Anyways it’s not even the best story. Was trying to get a shot of a bunch of local vendors on their boats in a river. Misjudged the roof I was standing on and went straight into the river myself, hitting a fucking balcony on the way. Lucky I didn’t drown or break my camera. 

**TreesRCool:** LMAO real smooth dude!

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Still got the shot. Worth the trip to the emergency room with my minimal Vietnamese.

**TreesRCool:** Wait why were you in Vietnam? 

**OnLittleCatFeet:** What, you think I was photographing the scenic floating markets of New York? Of course I was in Vietnam.

**TreesRCool:** You’re gonna have to run this past me again, wise guy. Why were YOU, a fucking paparazzi, in Vietnam photographing boats or whatever? 

**OnLittleCatFeet:**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** First of all, Vietnam has celebrities just like here, idiot. And second of all, I wasn’t working as a reporter back then. I was doing nonprofit work photographing cultural sites.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** What, don’t believe me?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** **[link]**

**Unread Messages (1)**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Okay cool, I get it. I’m gonna stop messaging before I get reported for harassment or some dumb shit.

**TreesRCool:** Calm down dude, I just had to piss in a vase, I wasn’t ignoring you.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** ...That is way too specific for a made up excuse, wtf.

**TreesRCool:** What, you think I can just waltz over to the bathroom any time I want? I’m not some swanky bastard who can fit a wheelchair in his apartment.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Oh so you’re in an apartment now? Interesting, care to tell me more?

**TreesRCool:** Oh fuck off with that snoop shit, or I won’t click on your shady link 🙄🙄

**TreesRCool:** Huh.

**TreesRCool:** Damn, that’s uh, actually pretty cool.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Thanks lol.

**TreesRCool:** Don’t think you’re gonna get any extra shit out of me just because you’ve cured my boredom for the next hour

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Oh so you’re going to look at my whole portfolio?  😉

**TreesRCool:** It’s all out on the internet, why the fuck not? Why, you got some shit in there you don’t want me to see, mister philanthropist man?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** LOL nah, just pleased to have a new fan.

**TreesRCool:** Let’s not get ahead of ourselves buddy. Haven’t seen everything yet.

**Unread Messages (0)**

**TreesRCool:** Fine.

**TreesRCool:** Your photography is pretty damn great.

**TreesRCool:** Color me impressed.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Huh, I didn’t think you’d actually look at them.

**TreesRCool:** Oh shut up I’m not THAT dumb, I can appreciate art!

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Never thought you were dumb. Just not many people actually make it further into my portfolio than the cover photo.

**TreesRCool:** Why the fuck wouldn’t they?? There’s some cool shit in there. You’ve been all over the place, like damn…

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I’ll take that as a high compliment lol. I did travel a lot before I took this job, it was fun.

**TreesRCool:** Why give all that up to become a soul sucking vampire for the media huh? Didja lose all that talent somewhere?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Har har, why didn’t you become a fucking comedian? You too fucked up over how hot trees are?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Tbh, humanitarian work doesn’t pay the bills very well. Winning awards was cool and all but you can’t pay off rent and debt with that shit.

**TreesRCool:** Huh. That’s anticlimactic.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** lmao, what were you expecting? Some dramatic bullshit, or excuses as for why my job isn’t all that bad?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I get it, I sell candid photos of people for money. But they make more than I could ever dream of for doing jack shit all day, so I don’t really feel all that bad.

**TreesRCool:** I’m still not gonna forgive you for chasing me out of my house you jackass. I don’t make millions of dollars, that house was all my partner and I had.

**Unread Messages (3)**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Partner? Thought you and the bodyguard were hooking up.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Wait no I forgot, it’s a threeway deal, right? You and that other hunky forest ranger. Which one’s the partner and which one’s the boyfriend?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Look for what it’s worth, I’m sorry you’re not in your house right now. I’d say we’d go away if you gave us an interview or two, but that’s not true. People like me get paid to loiter, essentially. Not to mention the crazy fans who want you to marry them, they’re not going anywhere.

**TreesRCool:** I get it. Sort of. I’m still pissed though.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I mean that’s fair lmao, not like I deserve any better. 

**TreesRCool:** Guess we can throw ourselves a mutual pity party then, huh?

**OnLittleCatFeet:**

**TreesRCool:** Pfff okay I’m getting the feeling you might be a cat person  🤔

**OnLittleCatFeet:** What tipped you off?  😂😂😂

**OnLittleCatFeet:** You a dog person? We gonna have beef?

**TreesRCool:** More like a goat person, cats and dogs are boring.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Goats? Seriously?? 

**TreesRCool:** Yeah  _ seriously _ you fuck. They’re cute as hell.

**TreesRCool:** **[link] [link] [link]**

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Okay okay the one under the stove is pretty cute. I’m pretty sure you don’t have a goat though, I would have seen it by now.

**TreesRCool:** Duh I don’t have a goat. At least not at home, I’m not some weirdo rich person who can keep goats and pigs in my house. 

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Wait so you have a goat at some secondary location??

**TreesRCool:** Don’t make me sound like some kind of kidnapper, good lord  😂  Lil Bleater lives at work, obviously.

**TreesRCool:** And before you ask, yes, I have pictures I can send you.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Bring em on, how could I resist someone named Lil Bleater?

**TreesRCool:** You joke about my goat, you’re gonna get an even bigger ass whooping than I was already planning on giving you.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Oh so we’re going to be meeting up at some point? For fisticuffs?

**TreesRCool:** Say fisticuffs one more time and I’ll just hire a sniper, you weirdo.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** lmao fine fine, I won’t make you waste your hard earned money on a sniper.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I’ll even leave my camera at home. If you pay for my coffee.

**TreesRCool:** Extortion isn’t cute, you know.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Oh but you think I am?

**TreesRCool:** Doubtful, I’ve never even seen you. Your shit job probably has taken a toll on your looks anyways.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Methinks the ruggedly handsome woodsman protests too much  😉😉

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Don’t worry, you can judge me for yourself when we meet up. I have very thick skin and an abundance of confidence - perks of the job.

**TreesRCool:** I’m a good judge of when things are real or not - perks of the job.

**OnLittleCatFeet:** I suppose we both bring our own talents to the table then, hm? Maybe I’ll just have to keep you company until we can meet up. You know, for research purposes.

**TreesRCool:** Since I don’t know where the block button is, do I really have a choice?

**OnLittleCatFeet:** Oh hush, you enjoy my stimulating conversation. This has nothing to do with you missing the block button or being trapped inside with nothing else to do. I’m sure  😉

**TreesRCool:** Well. Maybe you’ll just have to find out  😉

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it folks - will they end up meeting up? Will Aiden fit in with the rest of the relationship members? Only time will tell ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this silly little fic, I certainly enjoyed writing it! :D
> 
> Any and all kudos or comments will be loved and cherished <3 I'm available on [tumblr](https://ohnomybreadsticks.tumblr.com/) if you ever feel like chatting or reading some of my lil drabbles, I’d love to see you there C:


End file.
